Birthday Memories on February the 3rd

It’s interesting to me how special dates can bring about nostalgia, cause a wave of depression, or even remind us of the ones we love and happy times. February 3rd is one of those special days for me. February 3, 2003 is my son’s birthday.

I have such mixed feelings whenever February 3rd comes around. It’s so strange to me that seven years have passed since his birth! It’s really incredible how the time has flown by. I would never in a million years have anticipated back then how I would feel seven years later. Sometimes it feels like it was all yesterday, and sometimes I feel centuries have gone by.

I’ve already blogged a bit about his birth, the beautiful miracle that occurred the moment he first looked into my eyes and I really understood what love is. That day will forever be a part of my existence. On that evening of February 3rd he was left with my mom and me at the hospital while his adoptive parents went home for the night. Originally he went to sleep in the nurse’s care, outside of my room, but as the night hours wore on my mom says that I was crying in my sleep so the nurse decided it would be most natural and soothing to my soul if he slept beside me. That one night sleeping beside my son was probably the most important event that took place during my hospital stay. My mom had been worried that I would become too attached and perhaps change my mind about giving him up, but I really feel like it had the opposite effect. It made me just love him so much that I wanted to give him the best. I woke up with confidence in my decision and was able to follow through.

The day of his first birthday, February 3, 2004, I was a full time student at Multnomah Bible College. I was overwhelmingly sad on that particular birthday. I felt so alone and desperately wanted to be with him. The memories of his birth numbed me. The most amazing part about that first birthday was the support system that came around me and held me up. My roommate/soulmate friend, Laura, cared for me, wrote me a poem actually, and just hung out with me. Neither of us went to class. My mom drove out to campus bringing me a single rose, representing one year. That year I was part of a small singing group called “Destiny” and we had a rehearsal that evening that I was begrudgingly attending. Little did I know that they had planned a little birthday celebration with cupcakes! There were many tears that year, but I did feel so loved and supported.

Another birthday that stands out to me is February 3, 2006. I was a freshly married (still under one month!) bride and living overseas in Australia. My son was turning three. I’m not sure that Colin really knew how to support me. I mean, I was already extremely homesick to start with, and now the whole situation was amplified by the birthday. Drama, drama, drama. My sweet girlfriends had sent me cards, and my mom had Colin buy me three roses. I pulled out a wad of photos that I had spanning his short three years of life so far and spread them out over our small living/dining/family room in our flat. I cried, and then the day ended. That was a sad one for me.

Last year, when he turned six on February 3, 2009, I called in sick to work. Colin and I spent the day together. I would intermittently cry and then laugh with Colin. It was a good day. Mom sent me six beautiful roses. Last year was really the beginning of feeling less sad and more at peace with things.

Today, February 3, 2010, he is seven. Seven was one of my favorite ages. As Colin said today, seven is an age where kids really start becoming more intelligent and able to carry on a conversation, have original ideas, and are just more fun. Last night was my evening of tears. We’ve been really busy lately, fighting some sickness and we had our friends Alex and Stacy over to watch the season opener of Lost, so there really wasn’t a lot of time to think about the impending birthday. I knew that Colin wasn’t going to remember. So I decided that rather then sulk around, waiting for him to figure out why I was so melancholy that I would just come right out a remind him of the birthday. He felt crappy for forgetting, and I told him it’s ok, and it really is ok. We’ve got a lot going. There is no reason to cripple myself for a day by moping around. I did cry last night though. I think it’s because 90% of the time I try not to think about the sad parts of all that my decisions in life have caused. I just try not to think about him, my son, all that much. It makes me long for him too much. But as I said through my tears last night to Colin, it’s hard to ignore or forget him on his birthday…

So happy birthday to my sweet little love. Seven years old, so precious. I love him with all of my heart. I’m looking at my vase with seven little roses and I live with no regrets and smile at the future.

1 comment:

  1. beka- dont know if you would remember me...but our connection is cannon beach and my maiden name is swenson... beside the point tho...your sister shared your blog on fb so i decided to take a look and when i came to this post i cried. as an adoptive mother i LOVE, absolutely LOVED hearing your raw honest emotions about your precious boy. i don't even know what else to say, except amazing, your heart is truly amazing. thank you for sharing this. (krista farrell)