...the wife of a genius...

A Word for the Ladies.

2011-12-04T13:01:00.001-08:00

I’ve been avoiding tackling this blog post. Many of the young women I meet with weekly have prompted me to write more, and honestly I feel overwhelmed with the vastness of the topics that I want to speak into the lives of these young women. Here are some thoughts about our relationships with Jesus, guys and other women.

1. God designed men to be the initiator of a relationship.
Sometimes at Ekklesia we sing a song called “Like a Lion.” Whenever I even see the title of that song it makes me think of boldness! "The righteous are bold as a lion -- Proverbs 28:1."
A real, Godly man will take all the risk of initiating a relationship because it creates safety for the girl. A real man is willing to fearlessly face rejection. This takes maturity and confidence on his part; knowing who he is in Christ- traits that we women should long for in a partner.
Colin and I were friends for YEARS before we started dating. We had a solid relationship as peers in ministry. When Colin approached me to ask me out (and I swear these were his exact words) he simply said, “Beka, I no longer want to be just friends with you, I would like to date you. The Holy Spirit is leading me into another level of relationship with you.” THAT IS GUTSY! We had not been romantically linked at all to that point, so he was really going out on a limb. I found that boldness and confidence so attractive. It worked out for him.

2. God designed women to be a man’s helper.
Women were created from man and for man.
In Genesis Eve is part of God’s plan to create mankind in His image. She is the companion and “helper” to her husband. Man was never intended to be complete apart from the woman; she is his perfect partner. Both are made in God’s image and likeness. Both are to rule and exercise dominion over all of creation.
God formed Eve to support Adam where he lacked- she was his missing rib. Matthew Henry commented on God’s choice of a rib to create Eve: ‘Not made out of his head to top him, not out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved.’
Colin and I are partners, but in our partnership he is the leader and I am the helper. Neither of us would function well without the other half.

3. Women that know their worth in Christ will not be obsessed with comparing themselves to other women.
We all know that most of the time women adorn themselves more for the other women in the room, not the men. A close friend of mine has recently directed me to a hilarious blog called manrepeller.com. SO FUNNY, because usually, at least when it comes to being the most fashionable female in the room, those styles are actually really unattractive to guys. So this indicates to me that women are pouring money and energy into appearances mostly so they feel better about themselves and better than the other females in the room.
Why can we not feel better about ourselves knowing that God designed us perfectly? He knows us by NAME and calls us BEAUTIFUL. We are all created in His image, designed to do His work.
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
We’re all going downhill. The youthful beauty we possess is so temporal. Instead of obsessing about such things, why not cultivate Jesus in our hearts. There is NOTHING more attractive than a heart steadfastly devoted to God, not looking to the left or right comparing and seeking attention from men, but looking upwards towards the One that will love us no matter what the external surface on this earth appears to be.
I am PASSIONATE about the women in our college ministry championing female friendships and relationships. When there is safety among our women, there will be less of a competitive spirit and we will break chains of insecurities, finding that at our core, most of us really do want the same things and we can all relate to one another on some level.

4. Jesus is the most attractive thing about us.
I touched on this in #3, but truly, honestly girls, there is nothing more beautiful than a young woman sold out for Jesus. This is a non-exhaustive glimpse at what that looks like…
She looks to the needs of others rather than herself. “She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.” Proverbs 31:20
She welcomes leadership and good counsel into her life. “And the things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, these entrust to faithful women who will be able to teach others also.” 2 Timothy 2:2
There is no trace of gossip about other sisters on her lips. “A perverse woman stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends” Proverbs 16:28
She dresses with modesty, not seeking attention for all the wrong reasons. “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Cor. 6:19-20
She knows her self-worth is in Christ, not in the opinions of others. “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Cor. 3:18
She walks forward in FORGIVENESS, knowing that her past mistakes do not define her. "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace." Ephesians 1:7
She is KIND. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Eph. 4:31-32

There is more on my mind and heart, but this is what I have for today. I know that God has called me to these standards, and I drop the ball sometimes. If I am completely vulnerable for a moment I would say that the thing that I struggle with the most is often just being KIND. I am quick to judge and I don’t always have a kind word on my lips.
A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to travel to Thailand and stay in a remote village that is home for about thirty young girls rescued from trafficking. While there I met a small, humble, man of God that has devoted himself to the ministry there; positioning himself in what the world would consider to be an “unseen” role in God’s story. He is probably the most Godly man that I have ever met. On the last day I was there He took me aside and prophesied over me saying that, through the work of the Holy Spirit, I can become the kindest person that I know. He and I had never had a conversation about that, but that short word hit me hard and resonates in me all of the time.
We are all in process. I am by no means perfect or speaking from a place high above others. I do know that God has taught me a lot about these things I’ve written about. He is continuing to reveal himself in new ways to me.
My prayer is that we will intimately come to know our Creator and discover that He has GOOD plans for us, his daughters. Our relationships are an opportunity to model Christ's love to the world. Prayerfully consider how you can become a displayer of His love.

Ekklesia Launch

2011-09-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last night 240+ students and young adults experienced the beginning of a movement in Whatcom County that was unlike anything else I have participated in this year. Being a part of this wave of the Holy Spirit has stirred up in me a passion to connect with people, to be a peace maker and put my actions where my mouth is and SERVE. Here is how the day played out for me yesterday…

5:00am: Woke up. Smiling. Started praying for our team; for unity, authenticity and passion.

8:00-5:00pm: Worked.

5:01pm: Ran over to CTK to connect with Brian MacSwan, grab boxes of black table clothes, candles and Bibles.

6:15-8:00pm: Arrived at the Majestic. Grabbed my Ekklesia t-shirt from Korey. Colin arrived with the huge truck that held all of the gear we would be using. Our set-up team arrived ready to go. We headed into the building only to discover that the space that we are using is occupied from 7:00-8:00 by a ballroom dancing class (why we did not know this beforehand is beside the point...). This threw a monkey-wrench into our plans to get the sound system, stage, lighting, tables, chairs and everything else set up. The instructor agreed that we could roll all of our gear cases into the venue, but leave the main space open for the twirling dancers. Once everything was inside the building and we could not assemble anything else we sent our workers out on the streets to invite Western students and whomever else they encountered.

8:00-9:30pm: The chaos of setting up all of the gear ensued. Cables, speakers, lighting, projector, monitors, etc. Our team of volunteers TRANSFORMED that room. The band sound-checked and ran through their set. The food and coffee table was decked out with treats. The “hub” table was stacked with Bibles and sign-up sheets for people to get involved in what is happening. Our team of leaders met and prayed over the evening.

*I will say that at this point I glanced outside the front doors and saw about 50-70 people, a number that I had anticipated and a not-too-shabby start to this launch. I had NO idea how full the room would become once the doors opened*

9:30-9:45pm: Korey, RJ and I swung open the doors and a FLOOD of people spilled in. We quickly realized that we had not set up enough chairs. The team quickly and efficiently accommodated for the influx. I could literally not stop smiling. My heart was full as I began to realize how God’s vision for what we are doing is so much bigger than any of us had dreamed.

9:45pm: Worship began. The air was thick with the Holy Spirit. I don’t know how else to describe it. The leadership that Seth and his team brought to this area was powerful. Great song selections and band, but more then that was the posturing of the leaders up front. There was not a raised stage, the band led from the floor level, which created less of a “praising the leaders on stage” and more of a streamlined exhortation upwards; exactly where the worship should be directed.

10:05pm: Brian brought a word. A challenge to everyone to own what we are doing here. This ministry cannot be spoon-fed; it has to come from the passion and vision of the participants. No amount of hype from the leadership can really move this where God wants to take it. We want to be a movement of leaders in this city; Jesus-followers that know that the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives inside of us. This is not about being the coolest, hippest ministry in town, it is about being authentic.

10:30-11:00pm: We rolled out a huge banner that said “God, this year will you…” and everyone wrote out their prayers. Worship continued as people migrated over to write throughout the course of several songs. At the culmination of the evening the banner was brought to the front, those that could reach it laid their hands on it, and everyone behind took the shoulder of the person in front and we prayed over the requests, written and unwritten. It was a very sweet time of peer-led ministry, a core value of Ekklesia.

11:00-11:30pm: The evening wrapped up. People filled out every spot on our sign-up sheets of opportunities to serve (we have quite a bit of follow up work to do this week…). I personally met about 10 new ladies that are interested in having follow-ups to talk about how they can get involved. I will be drinking A LOT of Woods coffee in the coming weeks.

11:30-12:30am: Tear down. Thank you to those that stayed to the bitter end. Your service, though out of the limelight, is seen by God and is building personal character and integrity into your core. This ministry will rise and fall based on the willingness and devotion of our behind-the-scenes leaders.

1:05am: Crawled into my bed, smiling. WHAT AN AMAZING GOD I SERVE. I cannot wait to see where this whole thing goes. I will NEVER low-ball my estimate of what God has planned.

Moving Forward into Our Calling

2011-09-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

A year ago at this time Colin and I were making some important decisions about our future together in ministry. The choice to move from Portland, Oregon to Bellingham, Washington was no small thing. Leaving behind family and friends and entering into a virtually unknown community would be daunting to many, but Colin and I were ready to take on a new challenge and dive in head first.

The first months were great, but as time goes on the novelty wears off and things become more mundane. Relationships here blossomed and flourished. We celebrated as two of my best friends (my sister Bethany and my lovely gal pal Stacy) celebrated their weddings back home. At church the leadership structure experienced changes. Colin just rode the wave, kept his head down, and worked his butt off. The transformation that he has made to the church facility, the standard of excellence he has brought, and mostly his spirit to champion volunteers has made him beloved by the staff, leadership and surrounding community. I could not be more proud as I have watched him become more of a man this year through some very refining life lessons.

During late spring and into this summer I have become heavily involved with a new college ministry movement here in Bellingham. Under the passionate, visionary and Godly leadership of my friend Brian MacSwan I have given this year fully to this cause: to reach the community of Bellingham for Jesus. Western Washington’s campus is in the heart of Bellingham and this community is home to some 30,000+ young people that do not yet know the freedom of a life sold out to Christ. Through much prayer and preparation this summer we are having our first gathering, Ekklesia, on Wednesday evening (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ekklesia/). This leadership role I am in was formed very organically through investing in young women in the community: meeting, praying, challenging and empowering them to know that with Christ in them they are fully equipped to live life as a disciple and also a leader; that church is not about consuming or creating an attractional ministry, it is about servanthood and loving people. There is no platform given to me based on talent or influence; this is a leadership position that has me behind the scenes championing and supporting others. I am exercising spiritual muscles that I never have before and it is tough, but extremely rewarding. I am so grateful for the community and connections Colin and I have found through this new ministry launch. The core leadership team that I am a part of has created a family for us here. It feels amazing to be a part of something so fresh, and the burden of being a person worthy of leading constantly points me back to Jesus.

I have also become a full-time working class citizen... In July I started working for Windermere Real Estate as an assistant to the agents. What that means is, I list properties online, create flyers, and help maintain the office. This job has opened doors for me to have my foot in the “real” world, a place filled with normal people that do not know their need for Jesus. Another “perk” of the job is that Colin and I have found our first house. YES, you heard me right, we are purchasing our first home. :) The story is pretty amazing, things have happened very quickly, but God so has his hand in it. Both sets of our parents have visited, taken a look at the place, and fully support the purchase. Kind of hard to wrap my head around, but in a couple of weeks the deal will close and we will be home owners (that's our house pictured above).

So the consensus is that we are sticking around, even if things get tougher, with Christ in us and protecting our marriage we can wade through any mucky situation and come out stronger and even more seasoned for a life of ministry. Stay tuned, this story is only beginning....

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

The Forgotten Mothers

2011-05-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

This morning I finished filling out Mother’s Day cards for my mom, Colin’s mom, and Nanny. I am full of love and admiration for these great women in my life and the role they play in the lives of their children.

Mother’s Day is a “holiday” that is unique to each person. Some women are great mom’s and deserve a celebration. Others, like myself, have the BEST mom is the universe and should recognize this positive influence.

All of these niceties aside, Mother’s Day can, for many, be a dreaded reminder of deep sadness, loss and longing. It has the potential to be very isolating, and many women will choose to skip attending their usual Sunday morning church service, because all too often the predictable “standing of the moms” during the service is like rubbing salt into a wound. These women are the "forgotten mothers."

For me the complexities of Mother’s Day often just leaves me feeling numb. As many of my blog readers already know, I am a birth mother. My son is now eight years old and has an amazing adoptive family. When I gave him up at seventeen there is no way that I could have foreseen that I would one day be in a marriage where I could not have a baby. Talk about ironic.

Most of my married girlfriends have, at this point, had their first baby; many are working on their second. It’s exhausting to have people continually asking Colin and I when we’re going to start having kids. PEOPLE: your constant questioning just highlights our infertility. STOP ASKING. We’ve been married for five and half years and I guess that’s just the time that people expect us to have babies. If we could produce a child we would have by now.

This weekend I am scheduled to lead worship at church, one service on Saturday evening and three on Sunday morning. It continually amazes me the unique ways that God brings me into situations where I’m forced to look outside of myself, not allowing me to wallow in depression or sadness. Going into this weekend I’m feeling very raw, but I know that I have a perspective on Mother’s Day that allows me to remember the hurting women in our congregation and to relate to them on a level that can bring healing and contentment in Christ alone.

I’m teaching a new song called The Greatness of Our God to our church. The lyrics have really been speaking to me this week.

Give me eyes to see more of who You are

May what I behold still my anxious heart

Take what I have known and break it all apart

For You my God, are greater still

And no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are

The greatness of our God

I’ll spend my life to know, and I’m far from close to all You are

The greatness of our God

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here

To believe that there is nothing left to fear

And that You alone are high above it all

For you my God, are greater still

And there is nothing that could ever separate us

There is nothing, that could ever separate us from Your love

No life, no death, of this I am convinced

That you my God, are greater still

So I can rest knowing that I serve a God that is greater then the loss of a son and my longing for a child of my own. There is nothing that can separate me from the love that he has for me. He can give me the grace to see beyond the current circumstances in my life- He is HIGH above it all. He cares deeply about my pain and grief, and he has AMAZING plans for my future.

Thank you Jesus for reminding me of your love. Continue to use me to bless and encourage others. On Sunday help us to honor the great mothers that we know, but also remember the woman sitting in church that has so much guilt over an abortion, the birth mother that longs for the child she gave away, the woman who has suffered from a miscarriage, and the barren women that don’t understand why they are not given the opportunity to mother.

Bringing sin into the Light

2011-01-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

My little sister is a very special young woman. Corrina joined our family when she was 3 years old, and has since overtaken our hearts. For some reason she and I have connected in a unique way. I am ten years her senior, but Colin always says that when she and I are together I always seem to enjoy her company as much as my 20-something old friends, which I would say it absolutely true.

Corrina is gorgeous. She is adopted, so her genetic make-up is different then Bethany’s, Peter’s and mine, and it certainly shows. She is tall, has to die for full, beautiful, curly hair, and when she smiles it lights up a whole room. No one wants to stand next to Cori during family photos because you risk looking like a troll next to her.

The best things about Corrina have nothing to do with her external beauty, but more her sweet spirit. She genuinely loves people. Whenever she and I are driving in the car and we see a homeless person on the corner, she never fails to ask if I have anything we can offer to them. Her compassion is compelling. Cori is a pleasure for adults to be around. She has no cell phone, so isn’t constantly texting her teenage friends; she knows how to truly engage in conversation with people, which is a rare thing in girls her age these days.

Being a freshman in high school is tough. I pray for Cori every single day. My passion for her success in life is more what one would feel for a beloved daughter, not necessarily a younger sister. Moving to Bellingham, Washington during this fundamental time of her development has not been easy for either of us. I am filled with thanks that Cori always feels safe to talk to me about anything. Having gone through some very extreme high school trauma when I was just a year older then her, I think she knows that I will never judge her, and only want to help her learn from my mistakes.

This weekend there were some “confessions” made from my dear girl, not anything bad per say, just normal high school silliness. She told me everything while we were together in person, and then proceeded to inform me that she wanted me to tell mom and dad everything. I sensed a fear in her to talk to mom and dad about it, she never wants to disappoint anyone, which, I think, drives her to secrecy. I considered her request, but then in the end had a very unique opportunity to encourage her to come forward herself and share what is going on with our parents. I explained to her that she had not done anything overtly wrong, other then guilt by omission when she chose not to have full disclosure with our parents.

When I think back on my own story it is very clear to me that my spiral down began with secrecy and sin that took place in the “darkness”. John 3:20 says, “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” My craziness in high school did not begin with evil intentions, but was more a result of my own naïve nature at the time and a deep seeded fear of having my sin found out; being exposed for who I really was. The deeper into sin I dug, the more I would try to hide it, and the more callused I became to my own sin nature. I was no longer sensitive to the whispers of the Holy Spirit gently steering me back to Jesus.

Needless to say, my sin did catch up with me and the pain that ensued is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So, I think it’s very natural that everything inside of me is in high gear to keep Cori safe and never fearful to tell the truth, I never want her to fear exposure of sin. Proverbs 28:13, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Whenever my parents would tuck me in at night as a child and into my teenage years they would pray with me and in their prayers they would never fail to ask God to let my sins come into the light. That my “sin would find me out.” I HATED such prayers at the time, but as I get older I am more and more compelled not only to pray that for my own children one day, but also to pray that for myself, that my sin would be exposed so that I can have an opportunity to experience the fullness of grace and mercy that can only come from Jesus.

Cori.... I love that girl. She brings me so much JOY. My prayer for Cori today is that she will never be fearful of being honest, having full disclosure, that the Holy Spirit would continue to reign in her heart and be heard clearly in her mind. Let her see that our parents care so deeply for her success in life, and have her best interest at heart. They would never want to hold her back from anything in life, but rather, want to protect her from the things in this world that she does not yet comprehend in her 15-year-old mind and limited life expereince, even though I remember being that age and thinking I knew EVERYTHING there was to know. May she never experience the downward spiral that I had, or the pain and loss that were a natural consequence to my sins.

...BUT if she does, I pray for the grace and love to continue being a listening ear and a vessel of the Holy Spirit in her life.

Au revoir!

2010-10-17T18:10:00.001-07:00

Changes are happening to this little family, we are moving! Colin has been very happy working as a genius for Mr. Jobs, but he is happily accepting a job as a lead technical director at a church called Christ the King in Bellingham, Washington. This is a huge change for us, but I am thrilled to be partnering with Colin in this new endeavor. We love the church and the people we've come to know in Bellingham. We know that we will be very happy there!

Being away from family and friends will be tough, but the drive up and down I5 is very manageable! I mean, it's not Australia or anything :)

As for what I will be doing.... school. Bellingham happens to be a college town, home of Western Washington University. So I will be back in the books once we're settled.

During our last visit we found an amazing little apartment to rent out in Everson, Washington, about a 15 minute drive from the church. The home is a mother-in-law place located on the property of a lovely couple that have two young girls. The place has an incredible view of Mt. Baker which we will LOVE waking up to each day. The family also has many chickens, bunnies, 3 pigs, and 2 dogs, so we know that Sydney will fit right in!

I've informed all family and close friends of this endeavor, and now it's time to tell the world! We're moving. Novemeber 1. Au revoir!

Birthday Memories on February the 3rd

2010-02-03T22:35:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting to me how special dates can bring about nostalgia, cause a wave of depression, or even remind us of the ones we love and happy times. February 3^rd is one of those special days for me. February 3, 2003 is my son’s birthday.

I have such mixed feelings whenever February 3^rd comes around. It’s so strange to me that seven years have passed since his birth! It’s really incredible how the time has flown by. I would never in a million years have anticipated back then how I would feel seven years later. Sometimes it feels like it was all yesterday, and sometimes I feel centuries have gone by.

I’ve already blogged a bit about his birth, the beautiful miracle that occurred the moment he first looked into my eyes and I really understood what love is. That day will forever be a part of my existence. On that evening of February 3^rd he was left with my mom and me at the hospital while his adoptive parents went home for the night. Originally he went to sleep in the nurse’s care, outside of my room, but as the night hours wore on my mom says that I was crying in my sleep so the nurse decided it would be most natural and soothing to my soul if he slept beside me. That one night sleeping beside my son was probably the most important event that took place during my hospital stay. My mom had been worried that I would become too attached and perhaps change my mind about giving him up, but I really feel like it had the opposite effect. It made me just love him so much that I wanted to give him the best. I woke up with confidence in my decision and was able to follow through.

The day of his first birthday, February 3, 2004, I was a full time student at Multnomah Bible College. I was overwhelmingly sad on that particular birthday. I felt so alone and desperately wanted to be with him. The memories of his birth numbed me. The most amazing part about that first birthday was the support system that came around me and held me up. My roommate/soulmate friend, Laura, cared for me, wrote me a poem actually, and just hung out with me. Neither of us went to class. My mom drove out to campus bringing me a single rose, representing one year. That year I was part of a small singing group called “Destiny” and we had a rehearsal that evening that I was begrudgingly attending. Little did I know that they had planned a little birthday celebration with cupcakes! There were many tears that year, but I did feel so loved and supported.

Another birthday that stands out to me is February 3, 2006. I was a freshly married (still under one month!) bride and living overseas in Australia. My son was turning three. I’m not sure that Colin really knew how to support me. I mean, I was already extremely homesick to start with, and now the whole situation was amplified by the birthday. Drama, drama, drama. My sweet girlfriends had sent me cards, and my mom had Colin buy me three roses. I pulled out a wad of photos that I had spanning his short three years of life so far and spread them out over our small living/dining/family room in our flat. I cried, and then the day ended. That was a sad one for me.

Last year, when he turned six on February 3, 2009, I called in sick to work. Colin and I spent the day together. I would intermittently cry and then laugh with Colin. It was a good day. Mom sent me six beautiful roses. Last year was really the beginning of feeling less sad and more at peace with things.

Today, February 3, 2010, he is seven. Seven was one of my favorite ages. As Colin said today, seven is an age where kids really start becoming more intelligent and able to carry on a conversation, have original ideas, and are just more fun. Last night was my evening of tears. We’ve been really busy lately, fighting some sickness and we had our friends Alex and Stacy over to watch the season opener of Lost, so there really wasn’t a lot of time to think about the impending birthday. I knew that Colin wasn’t going to remember. So I decided that rather then sulk around, waiting for him to figure out why I was so melancholy that I would just come right out a remind him of the birthday. He felt crappy for forgetting, and I told him it’s ok, and it really is ok. We’ve got a lot going. There is no reason to cripple myself for a day by moping around. I did cry last night though. I think it’s because 90% of the time I try not to think about the sad parts of all that my decisions in life have caused. I just try not to think about him, my son, all that much. It makes me long for him too much. But as I said through my tears last night to Colin, it’s hard to ignore or forget him on his birthday…

So happy birthday to my sweet little love. Seven years old, so precious. I love him with all of my heart. I’m looking at my vase with seven little roses and I live with no regrets and smile at the future.

thoughts on my marriage (dangerous topic)

2009-12-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are approaching our 4^th year of marriage; Colin will also be turning 26 next month. Being out of class and having ample time to contemplate life, my thoughts have turned to the ever-evolving entity that is Colin Smith.

I know that most women probably think that their husband is a one-of-a-kind guy (I mean, I know each individual is unique), but I really do believe that if they were to look into a window of my life with Colin for a week they might reconsider the complexities they deem that their husband possesses.

I always thought I would end up with the heavy-set, Monday-night-football watching kind of man, but instead I ended up loving a longhaired, school-bus-renovating, emotional rollercoaster of a guy. What happened?!

Colin and I grew up as “friends” (but not really because I would have considered myself to be much “cooler” than him) in the high school youth group at Rolling Hills Community Church. He was popular, in that “I’m a funny and yet deep, soulful, musician” kind of way. I was so self obsessed and living a double life and had no room to be interested in such a skinny, strange, farting guy. In college everything kind of shifted. I had definitely been humbled to a degree that left me believing that NO guy would ever really look at me, and Colin was a little *cough, cough* more mature. We saw each other in a new way, fell in love with what we saw, and then BAM we were married 12 months later.

The first year we spent living across the world (literally) in Sydney, Australia. We were “living the dream” spending about 14 hours a day at Hillsong Church attending class, doing our ministries, and then, when everyone else was going home at 9 or 10pm, we would stay and work, cleaning the ENORMOUS building. I was mostly on toilet duty. Yes, so glamorous. I think that year was so incredibly character building for me though because I was never in the spotlight, I didn’t have my parents to run to whenever things were tough, and mostly I discovered God in a new way, right alongside my new husband.

The second year of marriage was spent pouring our lives into the students in our old youth group at Rolling Hills Community Church. Colin was hired on an interim basis and worked together with our old youth pastor Joel Dombrow and the amazing Elisa McClurken. We loved the kids there, spent many tireless hours working to improve the ministry and it all peaked when the entire group of 300+ students and leaders went on a “summer camp” to Mississippi to rebuild homes and schools after hurricane Katrina. Colin and I learned so much during our time there. I also discovered that Colin is probably one of the most creative people I’ve ever come across personally. The ideas that he came up with and actually implemented were phenomenal. I gained a new respect for him.

Year three was hell. The staff in the youth group had some major changes and in the end Colin wasn’t “the right fit” for where they were headed. The rejection was so personal to Colin. When your work is your ministry and you’re not given clear reasons for being let go it can leave you mystified, aimless and bitter. It tore me up to watch my once dedicated, fearless husband become introverted, I couldn’t get him to express his feelings to me, and I was embarrassed by what I supposed other people were saying about us. I took up a defensive, mother-hen type of role in Colin’s life. In many ways I was less like a wife and more like a body guard, fending off people’s judgments and comments and allowing Colin to grieve alone. Eventually one tires of this kind of lifestyle…

This past year has been one of revival for us. I realized my fault in becoming a defender rather then a comforter and I guess a challenger to push Colin out the door and into what God has next for him. I’ve discovered that Colin doesn’t need me to do anything other then to put God first, be obedient to God’s calling on my life, and to love him the way that God loves him. A kind of love that doesn’t enable but stretches, bringing out the best in him. I must be patient as I wait on the Holy Spirit to do the work rather then me.

I love Colin more now then I ever have. He works so hard to put me in school and to make me happy. He doesn’t always do everything I ask (ie Cutting the hair!) and he is not easily manipulated, but at least I’ve figured that out early on and won’t waste my energy! We’re poor, we’re not looking to purchase a home right now as may of our married friends are and we are years away from ever having children, but I am learning to be content with where we’re at. We are on a different course then the masses and that is ok. Colin continues to surprise me in the way that he loves and believes in me, he really does adore my family, and although he might not be the same man I married almost four years ago, I am deeply committed to him and chose to love him each day regardless of which mood he’s in (trust me there are many sides of Colin…) or how he’s treating me. If you lined up all the men in the world, tall/short, fat/skinny, longhaired/shorthaired, cliché/unique, I would choose him every time.

this is me.

2009-11-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

this is me.

Over this past month I’ve had the unpleasant but necessary experience of being challenged. The challenge wasn’t about school or work, how I look or the way I talk, it was more about who I am at the core. What makes me tick. I was questioned as to whether or not I am authentic. It is difficult for me to really put my finger on how this questioning made me feel. I can say that I felt misunderstood, defensive, hurt, and embarrassed. Mostly though I just felt very convicted that if I’m am not fully sharing what is going on inside of me with people through my actions or words then they are probably receiving a false sense of who I am and what I am about. This did not rest well in me.
This self-doubt and examination lead me back to a paper that I wrote my first year at Multnomah Bible College. I was a fresh eighteen years old, so please forgive me if my writing was terrible… I’ve left out some of the most intimate details of the piece but I wanted to post this story about myself. In reading this I am often reconnected with some of my deepest pains and at the same time, what I would consider to be, one of my most glorious moments. Here it is, hopefully I am better understood through this blog (and the two people that read it… )

I am a Mother
One’s identity can be found amidst overwhelming chaos and seemingly unbeatable obstacles. At a very young age, I gleaned this information from first hand experience. The confusion began the summer of 2002. I was about to enter into my junior year of high school with academic, leadership, family, and spiritual responsibilities weighing heavy on my young shoulders. Anticipations of prom, spirit week, college scholarships, and visions of high school glory were shattered when the little stick showed two pink lines. I was pregnant.

In a matter of seconds I had become another statistic for the masses to devour. Little did anyone realize the intense drama that was playing out in my naïve, immature, 16-year-old mind. Can I raise a child on my own? Is this unborn child meant to be with another family? How will I tell my parents? What will people think of me… Amidst all of the tremendous stress and devastating questions was a little voice telling me what I need to do. God was speaking to my heart.. He was whispering to me as I felt the first movements of life deep inside.

I began my pregnancy with the end in mind. By the time I broke the news to my parents I had specific goals laid out and a detailed plan of action already playing in my head. Naturally, they were both shocked as they sat there, staring at their ashamed young daughter opposite them in a chair, weeping. Although they were distraught and mortified at my behavior, when I told them my strategy they were pleased at the obviously well thought-out presentation of the options before me and, eventually, the decision that I had come to on my own accord.

The first option that I had considered was to keep my baby. In the past my judgmental heart and prideful spirit had poured out condemnation on any girl who chose to keep her baby. What did any of those girls have to offer a child? However, this time I was in their shoes. I was the young mother. This time I was the one who wanted to keep the most precious possession that God had ever entrusted to me. Yet I would only be seventeen and not even done with high school. There was no way in the world that I could ever provide for a child without immense amounts of financial, emotional, and physical assistance from my parents. I wasn’t willing to put my parents through that. Keeping my child was not the best choice.

The only other morally sensible option for me was adoption. Adoption can be a tricky thing. Some feel pity for adopted children and some feel deep sympathy for the parent giving away their child. Either way you look at it, someone is going to hurt intensely. I feel that until individuals experience adoption first-hand in their lives, they can never fully understand the incredible amount of love involved. My younger sister is adopted, so I understood.
I chose adoption. My decision was to relinquish my child to someone else’s love and nurturing. In my eyes, I was making the intentional decision to renounce my motherhood responsibilities. Eventually I knew I would deliver a child but would not be that child’s mother. I would provide a warm, healthy, incubator for this kid to grow in but that would be the extent of the relationship. I had become a human oven, preparing a glorious meal for someone else to enjoy.

The pregnancy wore on and on. The days were long and uncomfortable as I prepared my body for the upcoming labor and my heart for the rapidly approaching heartache. Externally, my body was rounding out to a perfect little ball directly in front. Internally my son was playing soccer with my ribs and boxing with my bladder. I was beginning to fall in love with this little burst of energy inside my womb, someone I had never seen or touched. I knew that he could hear my voice, so I began to sing to him. I would play the piano and sing for hours on end, and in response he would roll around inside of me in what I like to consider his own little dance. These moments were precious; my meager attempt at passing a part of me into him.

Finally the day came. A woman can never really prepare herself for the oncoming of labor. Sharp pains roll up from below the enlarged belly and cramping overtakes all sense of reason and, eventually, manners! My labor lasted for thirty hours. Thirty hours is a long time to labor for something that I wasn’t going to reap any benefits from. The nurses were wonderful. My mom read scripture to me as I gritted my teeth and clinched my eyes tighter then ever before. Sweat poured from my face as I cried out in pain. Then suddenly it all went away. I received my very first epidural! I lifted a prayer of thanks for modern technology and continued to push.

He emerged at 12:08 in the morning, all seven pounds, eleven ounces. He screamed and yelped and I did not touch him. I demanded that he be taken away with his mother, but when they did I was overcome with the most intense feeling of loss that my body physically ached from the pain of it. I sobbed. I was a mother and my child had been taken from me. This defied nature. There are no words to describe the extreme loneliness.
Finally his parents left for the night and he was brought in to me. I sat there in my hospital gown and stared down at this little thing I had played a part in creating. He was so perfect, so soft. His tiny nose, cheeks, hands, and feet were all faultless. Beautiful dark eyes occasionally squinted up at me, and I was astounded at just how much they seemed to resemble my own.

I was with him for twenty-four hours. The time was spent simply embracing the one thing in the world that I could ever claim as a purely wonderful and flawless creation. The bond that we developed will last me a lifetime. If I never see him again I will be content. The time spent together meant more to me than anything. During that time I fell in love with my son. A forever kind of love.

Love moved the pen the following morning as I signed the adoption paperwork that detached me of all responsibility for my child. My mom clutched my shoulders and wept. My lawyer explained everything to me for the hundredth time, assuring himself that I was fully aware of the ramifications of signing these papers. I knew full well what I was doing. I was giving away my own flesh. I was offering my song as a gift to another woman. I was walking away from motherhood. In love I signed.

…….

The paper did have more to it. Not really feeling the need to share it all. I think that my point in all of this is just to remind myself that there is depth to me regardless of people who may interpret me as shallow or “harsh.” I do also know that people’s interpretation is important. After going through a situation like this my automatic response to people who judge me is to say I don't really care what you think, you don't even know me. So I suppose finding myself humbled by this all over again and also remembering where I’ve come from will help guide me where I’m headed; always on a journey, hoping that I learn my lessons the first time. Remembering to be low because Christ made himself low enough to die on a cross. Nothing I have ever done or given up in my life is more sacrificial than that kind of love…

My Own Community

2009-10-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Returning to school has been, shall we say, interesting. When I went to college for the first time it was in the safe confines of the Multnomah Bible University bubble. We had chapel every day, most people were like-minded in their beliefs (the “coexisting” aspect of campus living wasn’t any trouble at all) and we all just loved one another…

Portland Community College is quite a contrast to my life at Multnomah. Granted, I am older now, married, I’ve lived overseas, been through some crappy situations and don’t necessarily see the world through those rose-colored glasses I once did, but my goodness, the mass of humanity at community college is mild boggling! “Coexisting” has taken on a whole new meaning. No longer do I receive a kind smile when I grin as some passer-by, instead I receive a quizzical, confused expression in response. Everyone is so busy and no one is really sitting around being college students. They’ve all got a purpose.

Algebra- This class is funny. My teacher is a 60+ year old, single, well “rounded” woman who insists we call her by her first name, Lily. The class starts at 7:30am three days a week. I think most of my classmates signed up too late and got stuck in this class; not so for me. I chose it, welcoming the opportunity to get to class early and start learning. No seriously, early mornings are good for me. Little did I realize that I would be the only one fully awake and talking (I will acknowledge that there are about three other students engaged in what is going on, but not to the level that I am). The rest of the classroom is quite literally sleeping! Lily has those of us who are awake poke the sleepers throughout the class period! Needless to say, I am a bright shining star in this class, although Lily doesn’t seem all that impressed with me. I can’t seem to make her love me. We’ll work on that.

Western Civilization- I enjoy this class, mostly because my favorite new study-buddy, Katie, sits next to me and we smirk about the comical things our monotone professor says under his breathe as we feverishly attempt to keep pace with his lecturing. He talks SO fast. I swear I’m going to develop carpel-tunnel syndrome not from typing but from writing in his class. There isn’t much homework here, but I have a sickening feeling that his tests are going to be killer. Best to keep up with the reading… I’ve already completed the first two major assignments and turned them in early. Katie and I are also already working on our mid-term study guide together, splitting up the questions, answering them, and then sharing the info for studying purposes. Excellent arrangement.

Psychology- This class is funny because most people are in it to receive a required credit, but they also look at it as their opportunity to get a free “session” with our professor. Our prof is fantastic, but she is certainly not there to evaluate students and give them free therapy. So many people just want to share their problems with everyone and fit them into the class discussions so they can get all kinds of attention and sympathy. This unattractive behavior has taught me not to do this in class, despite the fact that the crap in my life might actually be worth evaluating to some degree (how narcissistic of me, huh?).

Biology- This is a two for one, lab and lecture combo. I stink at biology. I do not enjoy studying biology. I will force myself to pass this class and will be done with it forever. The end. PS- I do have another great study-buddy/lab partner in this class, Jonathan, he should get a blog shout-out. Thanks for keeping me awake Jonathan, buddy.

Portland Communtiy College. We are coexisting. I have much to learn and if PCC is going to provide me with the most bang for my buck I will continue to attend (I haven’t missed a day of class yet, and I’m NEVER tardy). Looking forward to my three-week break for Christmas, until then, I’ve got to hit the books!

here she goes.

2009-10-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Blogging. This is my very first attempt at blogging. I can't imagine why anyone would want to read my ramblings and I suppose my motives should be in check before posting; am I simply posting to vent my emotions when I should actually be dealing with them, am I passive-aggressively trying to communicate with a person who I suspect might read my blog when I should really just pick up the phone and call them, am I being prideful and wanting to brag about my life *cough, cough, yeah right* to make others jealous (hahahahaha)? I believe that my heart is in the right place. I've just got a lot on my mind, and somehow facebook doesn't cut it with their simple minded "status updates." I can't fit enough text in there...

Colin, my "genius" husband, recently started a blog depicting the tales of his newly acquired school bus and it's "rebirth" into our mean, green, camping machine. We'll see how that goes. So on his blog I posted an entry with my thoughts and affirmation for all those people who thought I couldn't possibly be aware of the bus and be allowing these antics! Yes I know about the bus. Yes we discussed it before the trade of our cancerous Honda Accord for the 1985 Bluebird School Bus. You may think we're both crazy now, but I love my guy and if this simple project will keep the peace in our marriage and allow him an outlet to use his "genius" and creativity, then by all means, bring it on!

So after blogging on his blog I just felt so good! I felt like someone, somewhere in cyberspace would read my thoughts and be pleased as punch about my devotion to Colin and his project, my ability to subject myself to his insanity, and my gifted writing prowess. I've since then had many, many more thoughts and stories that I see now should also be thrown out into the vast universe of the internet and absorbed by a fat, cheeto-eating, couch potato somewhere in Wyoming. I know that others of you can relate. The belief that someone wants to hear me is awesome.

My first blog. An explanation really. A justification for the time spent in front of my computer sharing rather then with my nose in my textbooks studying. My I never break loose from my motive of a light-hearted avenue of fun and intrigue.

More to come....